These are the words of Shaun, whose childhood fascination with the flashing lights and enticing sounds of slot machines led him to spend a large part of his life living with a secret gambling addiction that cost him thousands of pounds.
Shaun is an active member of his local social club committee in Derby and, 16 months after his last bet, is proud to now have the willpower to turn off the machines that once dominated his every day.
The 57-year-old wants to encourage others who are struggling to follow in his footsteps and get help from the East Midlands Gambling Harms Service, which he credits with completely changing his life.
Shaun’s habit started when, aged around 11 or 12, he would go to working men’s clubs with his mum at weekends and noticed the fruit machines “flashing at me”.
“Within a couple of weeks, I’d won £100 just from my pocket money 50ps, at a time when the average wage was only about £40 a week,” he recalls. “I became hooked. By the time I was 14 or so I was going to play pool and snooker in arcades which were full of fruit machines.
“I would say I was going to play pool but really I just wanted to go on the fruit machines. If I had money in the bank I would take it out straight away to play on the machines.”
Shaun says that through his 20s, 30s and 40s, whenever he was out having a drink with friends, he would find himself hovering around the fruit machines. “They would draw me in, and as the machines developed and were paying out more and more money, there was one that had a £2,000 top prize,” he said.
“I was putting in £600-£700 a night, desperately trying to win the jackpot.”
Shaun was only ever interested in fruit machines, so for many years managed to keep his gambling under control because he could only gamble while he was out. But the advent of smartphone technology brought new features onto gambling apps, and soon he could play online slots around the clock.
“I could be watching TV and losing hundreds of pounds at the same time. There was no time limit on it so I was playing all the time.
“When I came in from the social club, I just wanted to be on my own so I could gamble. I would sit in the kitchen until 4, 5, 6am; I couldn’t count how much I’ve lost over the years.”
As his habit spiralled out of control, Shaun started to get into more and more debt, became depressed but couldn’t stop the urge, especially after a few drinks.
“I needed the highs and lows of gambling. That feeling when you see your money disappearing is awful but I would just put more money in and lose more, and more, and more.”
Shaun started to feel as though he was letting everyone down and had some very dark thoughts but his wife stood by him and persuaded him to get help.
“She knew all along I was gambling but she didn’t realise the scale of it. The next day I called the East Midlands Gambling Harms Service and asked for help.”
After his initial call, Shaun was referred for cognitive behavioural therapy, or CBT, which he admits he was sceptical about. “I thought, how is that going to help?!” he said. “But it just worked. Having that extra level of responsibility to the psychologists really helped me too because I didn’t want to let them down. I also didn’t want to go to the group sessions and say I’d gambled again because it would have let the group members down too.
“I learned to cut off the channels that led me to gambling, worked on the consequences of my actions and really put the advice to work. You have to put the effort in, but if you do, the results are life changing.”
Shaun has learned to fill the gaps left by cutting back on his gambling by doing other things; playing video games, watching TV or just getting to bed earlier.
“I still go in pubs and the machines are still there,” said Shaun. “But at the end of the night at the social club now I really enjoy turning them off. It gives me a real lift.”
Although he is still paying off his debts, he says he can see light at the end of the tunnel. “I would say to anyone who is struggling with gambling to just get some help, talk to people, do the CBT course and you will learn how to work through it.
“The help is there; you may not realise you need it but it will make a huge difference to your life.”
Shaun wants his story to be a cautionary tale to others who may be tempted down the same route. “I tell people in the club that I can guarantee a way to make £400 a month off the machines. They are all intrigued until I tell them – you don’t put any money in! That way you are guaranteed to have £400 a month more in your pocket. And it’s worth it.”
The East Midlands Gambling Harms Service is a free NHS service offering help and support for anyone struggling with their gambling across the region. Search ‘East Midlands Gambling’ online or call 0300 013 2330